Pity (and Guilt) ~ KangHae
Rated RPrompt : Pity
Kangin was completely head over heels in love with Eeteuk. He had been since the moment he met him, but he'd been too shy to confess, do do anything about it. Whenever he tried, he'd get nervous, giggle, and run away.
Then Yehsung came along and swept Eeteuk off his feet. Away from Kangin. Before Kangin even got a chance to tell his hyung how he felt.
Kangin knew there was nothing he could do about it. He could never tell Eeteuk or Yehsung. They were so happy together, he didn't want to hurt them. And if he told them he'd be risking hurting Super Junior as a whole as well.
Kangin did his best to deal with it, but there were a few things that practically killed him. One was the fans. They'd decided that Kangin and Eeteuk were a pairing. They even had a name for it, KangTeuk. And Eeteuk loved giving fan service. Whenever there were cameras around, he was all over Kangin. It was pure torture having Eeteuk wrapped around him, kissing him on the cheek, holding his hand. And yet Kangin longed for it, because he knew it was the closest he would ever get to having Eeteuk.
Even worse was watching Yehsung and Eeteuk together. They seemed so happy. Kangin could feel his heart shatter into a million pieces everytime he saw them together, kissing, cuddling, talking about how they'd be together forever.
One afternoon, Kangin walked into the living room to find Eeteuk cuddled up with Yehsung on the couch. The two had their heads together, whispering and giggling about something private. Eeteuk was fiddling with the buttons on Yehsung's shirt and Yehsung was running his fingers through Eeteuk's hair.
Kangin turned around and ran down the hallway before they noticed him. He wasn't looking where he was going, and was almost knocked over when he ran into someone.
"Donghae-ah," he began, "I didn't-"
He trailed off. Donghae was looking at him with sad, pity-filled eyes.
He knew.
"Don't," Kangin whispered.
Donghae shook his head. "What-"
"Don't look at me like that."
If anything, Donghae's eyes grew sadder. "Hyung, I just-"
Kangin pushed him up against the wall. "Stop it Donghae." Kangin was so tired of being alone, so frustrated with his life. The last thing he needed was people feeling sorry for him.
He pushed on Donghae's shoulders, hard, and dug his fingers into them. "I'm fine..." he whispered, "so don't..."
He leaned forward suddenly and pressed his lips against Donghae's. Donghae's eyes grew wide, but shock was better than pity. Anything was better than pity. Kangin continued kissing his dongsaeng deeper, harder, and started rubbing up against him, still pushing him into the wall. He poured all his anger, frustration, and lust into the kiss, pushing his tongue deeply into Donghae's mouth.
He finally broke off the kiss, yanked Donghae into an empty room, and pushed him down on the bed. He climbed on top of Donghae, straddling his hips, and kissed him again, this time slowly. How long had it been since he'd felt connected with someone? He slid his hands into Donghae's pants and gradually slid them off. Donghae lay there on the bed, motionless, and let Kangin take him.
And for a little while, Kangin could pretend that his heart wasn't broken, that he was holding and kissing the one that he loved, and that that someone loved him back.
Donghae knew it was meaningless, knew that Kangin was just using him, that he was thinking of someone else. But he didn't stop it. He was willing to do anything to make Kangin feel better.
And maybe someday Kangin would notice that there were other people besides Eeteuk to love.
***
Kangin couldn't stand what he'd done to Donghae. He used his dongsaeng so he could feel better. He was so selfish. In a moment of stupidity, he'd done the most horrible thing he could possibly imagine.
He lied and said he was sick, stayed home and hid under the covers. How could he ever face the world again?
His love for Eeteuk did that to him, made him stupid. But he couldn't really blame it on Eeteuk, much as he'd want to. Kangin was the crazy, stupid, selfish bastard who was in love with someone that he never had a chance to be with. And Kangin was the one who let his emotions get the better of him, and let himself use one of his best friends.
He was on the way back to his room from the bathroom when he ran into Donghae in the hallway again. He stopped dead, and stared at his dongsaeng with wide, bloodshot eyes.
"Hyung," Donghae said softly, reaching out a hand. "Have you been crying?"
Kangin stepped back, dodging Donghae's hand.
"Kangin, it's okay." Donghae stepped forward quickly and wrapped his arms around his hyung, "It's okay."
The second Donghae touched him, Kangin broke down crying. "I just love him so much, Hae, why doesn't he care?"
Donghae sighed. "I don't know, Hyung."
After a little while, the tears finally stopped falling, and Kangin pulled away. Wiping his eyes, he whispered, "Donghae, what I did to you, was..."
Donghae shook his head. "Don't worry, hyung, I know."
Kangin shook his head furiously, "No, it was- I don't know what I was thinking. I can't believe I- I'm so selfish, I hurt you without even thinking about it." The tears began to flow again, slowly this time.
Donghae put his hands on Kangin's shoulders. "It's okay. Kangin, it's okay."
"Why? Why is it okay, Donghae? Why don't you hate me?"
Donghae looked at him sadly. “I can't hate you... because I love you...”
Kangin stared at him in shock.
“I love you Kangin. So I'll do anything I can to make you happy, even if it's just for a moment.”
Kangin shook his head. “Donghae, I can't...”
Donghae dropped his hands and looked at the ground. “I know you love Eeteuk, it's okay. I can still hope that maybe, someday...”
Kangin gently took Donghae's chin in his hands and stared into his eyes. Donghae stared back at him.
“You really do...” Kangin whispered in surprise.
Donghae smiled, a little, and Kangin leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. “Thank you, Donghae. I can't say I love you, yet... but, maybe...”
Donghae smiled and kissed Kangin chastely on the lips. “Don't worry, I can wait.”
And for the first time in a long time, Kangin didn't dream heart-wrenching dreams about Eeteuk. Instead he dreamt of an adorable boy named Donghae.
Leave a comment about this fic at my LJ!~
